Hidup ni memang susah nak diramal.bukannya susah, memang tak dapat diramal pun.sepanjang perjalanan hidup kita, banyak yang kita tempuhi. lebih kesulitan berbanding kesenangan. teori saya, kita sentiasa rasa bahagia sebab setiap kali kita berada dalam kesulitan, kita sentiasa ingat tentang kebahagiaan yang kita pernah kecapi. teori bodoh, tapi saya tahu bagaimana rasanya.
mulanya rasa nak tlis aje post kali nih, tapi hilang 'selera' pulak nak teruskan...tak apa la....munkin post yang terakhir sebelum saya kembali ke 'dunia' saya yang lebih membahagiakan.
ada teori baru, dalam hidup ni, jangan selalu ikut apa cadangan orang lain, lebih baik ikut kata hati dan rasional. sorry i've deleted the recent post yang saya put up. but it doesn't feel right. even masa nak buat dulu pun sama jugak. tapi, motif saya dah tercapai, so, let it be.
i dunno why, tapi saya nih sentiasa macam budak jahat aje...biasa larh..nyakitkan atie aje kenal ngan saya nih...besa la kan...nak buat cam na...i'll always be like this, sorry guys, i'm not gonna change into another type of person.
to tell you the truth, there's a reason why i had never confess of how i felt. because i was so scared that i might hurt your feelings. and day by day, that fear made me felt like a total hypocrite. more pathetic as i think about it. i was too scared that i might hurt your feelings that i forgot that i have mine to look after. i read books that tells the stories of great friendship. frankly talking, even though it might sounds weird or insane as it was, i actually envied them. i often asks myself why can't i be like that? but unfortunately, i never had the answer.
i knew that we're so much different and apart, that's why i just said let it be. i never want to discuss it because i feared the discussion leads to another endless crisis between us. that's why i kept it all along. i understand that you want privacy, so i let it be. i don't want to be another intruder in your life.
i remembered the night we had sleepover together, we promised that even after school, we will be best friends forever. i truly believe that we can be that. but all of the sudden, i don't anymore. not because i don't believe in it, i just felt as though it may have just slipped away. i cried every time i thought of it. i feared that we'll lose each other, no more best friends, no more sisters. you guys will meet someone else that's better than i am and have them as your best friend but left me behind, just another forgotten memory. thus, I'll be back to square one, alone...all by myself.
i cared so much that i just couldn't help myself to check on you guys every now and then. login just to check your blogs for newest news, of chat through YM. it's a complete relief whenever you guys replied and actually chat with me instead of just to say hi and then disappeared. i knew you hated sms-ing, so i didn't. i don't want to call you coz i thought you might be busy with your own stuff. so in the end, i knew nothing. and that breeds loneliness.
before i met you guys, i never had best friends. i was always a loner. nobody cares about me. i am always on my own. they despise me. when i started form 1, a former classmate told you that she hates me. it's the first time i've ever heard someone hated. i feared that it might happen to us someday that you'll hate me for who i am. the always annoying, loud and overprotected...nosy( sometimes) girl as i am. that, breeds paranoia.
i reckon you never saw me really cried. but i saw you guys cried before. it always appeared that i'm a strong person outside. someone that wouldn't care, who wouldn't want to know, but i was always the same as you guys. i cried my heart out every time i thought about our friendship. about how i feared that you'll forget that i ever existed in your life. it was so true that we needn't shared ALL stories to each other...yes, there are things that were best kept untold. i don't need you guys to tell me every single details that happened, i just want to know if you're okay. i am a pushy person, i know...believe me, i know...but i have my own sense. when i realize i've crossed the boundary, i'll stop and get back to the other side. i never said how i really felt because i don't want to discuss about it. it's personal.
you asks me what's up with the last long post? honey, don't you remember i love writing long posts? it's how i am. it doesn't matter big or small issues, i ALWAYS wrote long and winding posts. even when i am chatting i sent long sentences.
you asks me why do i sound so sad when we discussed about it? it's because i am sad. these few weeks aren't the best week i've been going through. i don't even felt right. because I AM SAD. nothing else...period.
it might not be settled for me, but i don't want you guys to discuss it. so just let it be. sorry for not being that great of friend for you guys, but i'm doing my best. even up til now, i am still searching the definition of best friend coz i never understand really how best friends are supposed to be. sorry, in the previous post i didn't mean that you guys were bad...it's just how longing i felt. it's up to you to judge. i don't even care. but let it be for me. it's enough for you to just know how i felt.
sincerely sorry. to tell you the truth, you guys were probably the best buddies i've ever met. but i don't know on which path are we. the best friends or just friends. sorry guys, i just gave up on thinking about it. sorry.
love always from me...
izsie
